Thorns, Theories and Truths I’m only 18 years old and recently moved to Tennessee. I find myself nearly 700 miles from the only life I have ever known. Anxiety about this new season begins to wash over me as the summer rain washes over my new bedroom window. I unpack my boxes and consider that I’ll never go back to the way my life was. You can’t stop time, and that chapter is forever closed. While the past is gone, the future is still unknown – yet I know in my heart that the Lord has called me here and will lead me every step of the way.Preseason for college soccer is officially starting. I’ve trained over thirteen years preparing for this but I know there’s still so much to learn and I can’t wait to get started. The excitement of living out this lifelong dream brings butterflies to my stomach as I walk into the fieldhouse thanking the Lord for this opportunity. I find my team’s locker room, grab my cleats, and get ready for day one.I don’t realize it at the time, but that’s when my life began to change in unexpected ways.Was it for the better or for the worse? I’ll let you be the judge.The team finishes our warmup and gets ready to begin our first fitness test. This test will help determine the roster and reveal who trained over the summer on their own. I’ve practiced this test at home countless times over the summer and passed with flying colors – I take a few deep breaths as Coach calls us to the line and I walk over to begin.*beep*I hear the first beep, so I start off easy to pace myself… but something feels off. Why are my legs really tight? Shake it off. It’s a mental battle – just focus and keep the pace. You got a good warm up in. It’s not that bad. Focus.*beep*A few minutes into it and I look over to see some teammates start dropping off. I’m still in with many others, but not nearly to the same point I got to over the summer. The pain increases. It’s not a tightness anymore – it’s officially a full-blown cramp in both calves.Push through, Candace. Don’t give the first impression that you’re weak. Don’t let them think you don’t have the endurance you really do have. Get as far as you normally can.But I can’t. The cramping feels like rocks in my legs working against my every step. The pain is officially overbearing so I tap out just shy of the minimum marker and not even close to how far I normally make it.Will coach think he made a mistake recruiting me? Are these girls going to see me as something I’m not? Why couldn’t I push through like I did that whole game with a broken toe? Embarrassed and confused, I tell the athletic trainer about the pain. We roll them out, put some KT tape on them and attempt to get back to training.It’s just some cramping. No big deal, right? Take some electrolytes, drink some pickle juice, roll them out. I’ll be fine… at least that’s what I was told and what I tried to convince myself.Until the next day when the same pain came back. And the next. And the next. Until this pain was as consistent in my routine as brushing my teeth and getting dressed for the day. The rocks in my calves became unwelcome tenants occupying space that isn’t theirs and I couldn’t figure out how to make them evacuate. Preseason has ended and classes have begun. As I walk from training to class, I notice the campus has shifted to occupy the hustle and bustle of freshmen finding their classes and upperclassmen reconnecting with their friends after summer break.The first week goes well as I make some new friends and get adjusted to my routine involving classes, training, and the normal responsibilities of life on my own.I wake up one Tuesday morning feeling nauseous. I think to myself, that’s weird. I manage to get some food in me before going about my day and it seems to dissolve. Must have been a one-off moment. Something in the cafeteria was probably bad. I’m pretty sure there was something off with that chicken. Yet just like my leg pain, this began to get worse day after day. It wasn’t long before most days, I began to find myself doubled over, emptying what little I have in me, then forcing a smile as I walk to class or training with my team. I don’t know what this is, but I am going to push through.That’s what I’ve been told to do at least… still I can’t help but wonder, does there come a point where it’s not best to push through? I’m confident there is, but this probably isn’t it. My athletic trainer, the campus nurse, and coaches brush it off when I bring it up, so I’m probably overreacting.But then, the story I thought I was living began to unravel into something I never imagined would be my life.I started having difficulty breathing and pain when swallowing my food. Sinus infections came every couple weeks. My nose would feel clogged to the point where I could only breathe out of one nostril.As I got further from the life I knew in Texas, my body seemed to have gotten further from knowing how to function.Are these symptoms tied? Am I crazy? What’s going on with my body and why the sudden change? These were the questions I faced within the first month of my time at Union University. But with the physical questions, came spiritual ones as well.Why would God let me spend years training for this only to fail once arriving? Why would He allow me to be constantly sick? I was perfectly healthy before arriving. Can’t God heal me? I know He can. So why won’t He? Or at least show the doctor’s what to do? I just. don’t. understand. The following months included daily visits to the athletic trainer, countless visits to the campus nurse, 10+ primary care physician visits, allergy testing, blood work, consistently seeing a chiropractor, many different medications, and eventually traveling back to Texas over thanksgiving break to visit a gastroenterologist and get multiple scopes and biopsies run. Every single visit was simply a guessing game trying to rule out as many problems as possible.Each doctor looked me in the eyes and said “well… you’re a case” without any idea of what might be taking over my life.Hopelessness didn’t hit me at once – it crept in slowly and quietly, washing over me without welcome until I looked up one day and realized I couldn’t see the light. 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 “…a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”When Paul pleaded with the Lord, do you wonder what that looked like?Did he feel isolated or ignored?Did he consider the miracles God used him to perform and wonder “why not me?”Maybe he spent long nights crying out to the Lord in tears.Did he repeat the teachings of Christ to himself such as “if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move,” or “knock and the door will be opened?”Did he feel as though his shipwrecks, floggings, and stoning were suffering enough for one man?Maybe he questioned if this thorn was of his own doing. If he brought it upon himself somehow.Perhaps Paul didn’t easily grasp the concept of God’s grace being sufficient and that’s why he pleaded with the Lord multiple times.These moments may or may not have happened – we will never truly know since scripture doesn’t give that detail. But one thing I do know is Paul was human and that makes me think maybe he did have these moments of wrestling just as you and I do. Where we feel we’ve brought this pain or tragedy upon ourselves.We feel as if we’ve “served our time” in suffering and should be given an easier season this time.We quote scriptures and wrestle with the teachings trying to reconcile both God’s authority and love with our suffering.We cry to God alone at night. Unsure if anyone truly sees our tears.We watch others receive their miracle and wait for it to be our turn.Sometimes we might even feel isolated or abandoned by God.Yet the Lord so sweetly turns to us and says the same thing He said to Paul: “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9)Somehow our flesh must attempt to grasp the concept that God’s grace has more than covered all that we need. He hasn’t abandoned us – no, He took on human flesh so that this worldly suffering would end for us as we join Him in paradise. His grace took the nails on that cross, looked you in the eyes and said, “now we can be together forever.”Jesus hasn’t forgotten you or me. It is quite the opposite. He remembered you before you were even conceived. He relentlessly pursued you and what the world deems weak, Christ makes strong.No, we may not feel strong. I sure don’t.But maybe that’s the beauty of it? Maybe God knows we would become prideful if we felt strong or had it all together.Let this weakness and suffering drive you to humble reliance on our Father.Instead of praying “remove this,” maybe we should pray “use this.”God, please write your story in our lives. Use our pain, suffering, and weaknesses, to bring about your grace, strength, and glory. We want Christ’s power to rest on us. Written by:Candace James Faith Uncategorized